...and gone.

D. Janese "Jan" Tennant December 6, 1953 - October 8, 2008 It is with enormous sadness that I write to tell you that Jan passed from this world last evening around 9:45. Her sister-in-law, Joyce, and I were with her at the end. The love of her life, David, arrived just minutes after she passed - we were all with her. Joyce has been an amazing angel in all of this, comforting, calming and being with Jan every moment that she could. She continues to be a source of strength. Her friends who streamed in and out of her room and the nurses at Harmar Place were wonderfully uplifting to her spirits, we are grateful for their love and attention. Jan leaves a space that will be hard to fill - she held so many people together, and was one of the most widely loved people I know.

David said last night, She didn't have an enemy

...Except, maybe, for the woman next door who didn't like her dogs barking.

Jan was that loved.

Here

I'm here - so's Jan. But she's been unconscious for over a day, her breathing is labored and her doctor feels she'll be leaving us very soon.

I'm in the same clothes I've been in for 2 days, so I'm going to shower and ask for a recliner in her room so I can just sit with her.

Jan obtained a connect card for her computer, which I'm using now, and which makes the wait easier.

Each time I lose someone it's hard. This is one of the hardest. I feel so alone.

Depressing Drive

I hit the road as soon as Max was on his way to school, Gerry'd already left for the Mayo (where his tests were phenomenal, he's doing beautifully!) and pretty much all day and into the evening it rained like a son-of-a-gun no matter where I was.

Driving through Chicago wasn't bad at all, really! Sometimes I go through Chicago, sometimes I don't, it depends on the time of day (it was midday yesterday - traffic was relatively light) Driving home from WV last time we skirted Chicago because it was rush hour.

An hour into my drive I had a call from Jan's sister in law telling me that she was incoherent, restless, wanting to know where I was and if I was really coming - the implication being that time was short. Talking on the phone is hard for me at the best of times, this was rough (obviously, rougher for Jan) I felt so helpless, so distant.

I spent the next 4 hours of the drive second guessing myself. "Why was I driving?", "Why didn't I fly?", "Should I have left yesterday?" And continuing on down this useless path, "Should I have even gone to Paris?"

Why am I driving - why didn't I fly?

1. Flying from MSP to Columbus, renting a car for however long I'd need it and then driving or flying to Memphis is expensive.
2. I need to be flexible - this trip is, if nothing else, open-ended. I don't know when I'll be back.
3. I need to drive to Memphis on Friday for a teaching gig, it's so much easier to have the car already packed with my books and materials

Should I have left yesterday?

Maybe. I deserately wanted to be with my knitting group on Monday night - I really felt that I needed the connection of other friends. And I'd promised to read from my book that evening. This is something that I'll be wondering about for a while.

Should I have gone to Paris?

Mais oui!

I have a flexible little tripod which I attach to my steering wheel sometimes. Stopping for gas I attached my camera, and a few miles down the road I recorded this little film.


It pretty much sums up the blue, sad feeling that overwhelmed me yesterday - the stock market commentary is the icing on the cake. Folks, try not to panic, take a deep breath and know that the market will correct itself in a few years. In the mean time, just pause for a bit. And consider voting for the guy who made the most sense last night.

I stopped just over the border in Ohio because I was exhausted. I'm off now, it's 6:19, and with any luck I'll be at Jan's side in 3 hours. I tried to eat yesterday, but food tasted like cardboard. I'm off for a quick bowl of oatmeal which should hold me all day - I need to have something warm and comforting right about now.

I feel such an urgency, stopping last night was hard - but it was necessary.

Like Paris - which I'm considering a vote of confidence for the future.

On De Road Again

Off I go again, driving to WV (Marietta, actually) and then later in the week off to Memphis. I'm going to try to do the whole trip on one day, we'll see... Thank heaven for Tom Tom.

I feel as though I've put my emotions on auto-pilot, necessary right now, just getting through this so that I'm as useful as possible is the goal - there's always next month to fall apart.

Speaking of next month, I've just added some New England classes for November 1 - 9.

I'm excited because I'm sponsoring my OWN classes right in downtown Boston at the College Club on Thurs, Nov 6th. I couldn't find a venue to host me, everyone's feeling a little shaky with the current financial nonsense, so I investigated some alternatives and I'll be sponsoring myself! The cost for these classes will be $60, or $50 if you sign up for both.

I've got weekend classes going, too - I'll be teaching at WEBS in Northampton on Nov 1st, and the following weekend I'll be in Pawtucket Rhode Island at Slater Mill

And then, aside from the Minnesota Lake Knitting at Medayto Cottage, this will be it for my 2008 teaching. I'm unsure how much time I'll need to be in Marietta, or what will be expected in terms of putting things in order. I feel very young right now, and I desperately miss my mom or my Aunt Wanda.

Think of my while I'm on the road - I should next be posting from Marietta, or points east!

Feted
Last night the knitting group that I've insinuated myself into hosted me to read selections from my new book, and had a bit of a party for me. It was SO wonderful - so kind of Kathy to go to such an effort (THANK YOU KATHY!) and I was so overwhelmed when I saw the cake she'd had made I cried. I cry at traffic lights these days, but that doesn't take away from how touched I was.

It was good practice, I tend to feel shyer when I'm reading from the book than when I'm teaching - perhaps because the topic is so personal. I'm going to be doing a reading at Garrison Keillor's bookshop, Common Good Books, on Oct 26 and I just heard from my PR person that on Oct 23 I'll be doing the local KARE-11 mid-morning show to drum up some interest. Yay!

How weird it feels to travel between such high, happy feelings (Paris, the book) and such low, sad moments (Jan, leaving Gerry & the kids) It's raining today and it matches my mood. I've loaded my bike on the back of the car to take advantage of some of the biking while I'm on the road, and to give myself a chance to burn off some stress.

Mississippi Knitting

All the tiny details of daily life are hard to corral together when I travel so much. I get home and I just begin to feel as if I'm in the swing of life again when it's time to fly drive again. I was knitting on the Mississippi this weekend, and it looks like I'll be doing it again way down south next weekend.

Tennessee Bound
I'm teaching next Saturday for the Memphis Knitting Guild (at the Cotton Museum) and also on Sunday at Rainbow Yarns & Fibres. I'm SO looking forward to this - it's my first time teaching in Memphis (actually, in Tennessee!) and it should be a lovely time of year.

Memphis Guild
Classes held at the
Cotton Museum
65 Union Avenue
Memphis, TN 38103

Combination Knitting
10/11/2008 10:00 AM
Love your Lace!
10/11/2008 2:00 PM

Rainbow Yarn & Fiber
1980 Exeter Rd
Germantown, TN 38138
(901) 753-9835

New Directions in Knitting With Color
10/12/2008 10:00 AM
Double Knitting
10/12/2008 2:00 PM

I hope if you're in the area I'll get a chance to meet you and have you in class! I'm always happy to sign books between classes when I'm at a shop, so if you just want to drop by and pick up a book (or some yarn) I'll sign anything - even one of Nicky Epstein's books*

Marietta Mama
But before my trip to Memphis, I'll be making a side trip back to Marietta to see Jan. Before I left for France we chatted and she told me she felt time was short. So, of course I did the loving cousin thing and fled to France (hey, didn't I do that last year when Gerry had his stem cell transplant?) I spoke with her yesterday, she's hanging in, but I need to be there pronto.

This past weekend I was so out-of-body - just not feeling like I'm entirely here. It's not the jet lag entirely, although that's part of it. It's just the culmination of so much emotional input; France, Gerry, Jan, the economy, the kids - we all know how things can seem to pile up in an overwhelming way.

I slept a LOT this weekend to give all the cells in my body a good rest, and today I'll go for a long bike ride (my inner tube had to be replaced, now I'm good...) I'm actually going to be taking the bike with me when I travel to WV and TN so I can get a ride in every now and then - I'll probably end up walking the bike up hills and coasting down, but that works, too...

The designing, book ideas, marketing my patterns and other stuff - that all just feels like white noise to me as I try to wade through a rough spot. One thing at a time.

River Knitting
One thing I DID do this weekend was spend some extraordinary time with a nice group of knitters on the 3 Kittens Knitting Cruise. It was an extraordinary day, folks had such a lovely time and the weather was amazing! We lucked out because on Sunday it rained, which would have put such a dent into the trip enjoyment. Cis and her staff did an exceptional job of making the trip a success, they worked like maniacs and made it look so easy!

Pam Allen was in town, we're good friends, so it was with pure delight that I accepted the kind invitation to attend the trip and have a beer (I'm a cheap date - ) Afterward I inveigled Pam to come home with me and we had a nice home-cooked dinner of chicken and rice and brussels sprouts while we reconnected. At TNNA it's so hard to just talk to someone, this was a nice break for both of us.

The kids loved re-meeting Pam - they remembered her (barely) from the photo shoot 5 years ago when they were in IK wearing my fair isle/cabled sweaters. Pam was so kind to them, and said kind things about them later - something I never tire of hearing!

Gerry was - as always - amazing. He's such a mensch. He fixed dinner, made great conversation and always makes guests feel so much at home. It meant a lot of LIFE pushed into a week, and it may be why I was so exhausted yesterday (I slept many, many hours) but it was just wonderful to see Pam.

It was also wonderful to see 3 Kittens new digs out on 110 - WHAT a lovely shop! The selection is just wonderful, and I love how they have the yarns divided by gauge, which makes yarn substitution easier for folks who need to find a new yarn for a project. It was my first time at the shop, but it will NOT be my last!

*Once a woman asked me to sign, Knitting on the Edge so I did. I signed it,

I am not Nicky Epstein!
Best, Annie Modesitt

Paris Movie

I put together some of our photographs and small films in a movie of our time in Paris - enjoy!

Quel Voyage!

I've repeated all of the reasons why this trip was a mistake to myself over and over; it was expensive, it was the wrong time, Hannah is too young to 'get it' ...

But having weighed everything, this trip was a BARGAIN for the amount of self enlightenment that Hannah and I have both experienced.

The trip wasn't perfect - what is? [Gallic shrug] - but, as I'm fond of saying in my classes;

Life is NOT about perfection.
Life is about dealing with the imperfections
as gracefully as possible.

And we did.

There were the inevitable meltdowns that happen whenever anyone travels with anyone else - especially in another country. But when all is said and done, I can't think of anything big that I'd change if I had this trip to do over again, and I'm so glad we took the trip with Amy and Ellie!!

Timing
Of course, we picked the week when the dollar was as weak as possible, an as a result we spent a LOT more money on food, shopping and other sundries than we thought we would. But life is what it is, and perhaps in some ways it was an exceptional way to experience France not so much as tourists, but as folks who had a reason to count every euro carefully.

Weather
We couldn't have paid for better weather. We lucked out royally, especially with our bike tour on Sunday. We saw Paris in the sun, in the drizzle, and caught our first whiff of Autumn-leaf eau de parfume as we walked along the Seine on Tuesday. Could life be better?

Food
This wasn't the gastronomic adventure that last summer's trip was - mostly because I didn't have the hosts that I had last year (Phil and Kris are amazing at picking restaurants!) But we didn't have a bad meal all week - everything tasted amazing - from the simplest noisette cafe and croissant, to the more complex salads or desserts. Everything we put in our mouths made us give a tiny moan of pleasure - now THAT's a Parisian sentiment...

Guilty Pleasure
Last night Hannah and I snuck out to KFC and got wings for her and 3 pieces for me. We ran home and crammed them into our mouths so fast we experienced a grease rush. Then, just because we felt bad, we ran out to McDonalds and got MORE wings and a fish sandwich for me, rushed back to the hotel and scarfed that down, too.

It was our last night, we'd skipped dinner to go to a lovely tea room in the 13th Arrondisement (see below) and it was our guilty American moment. And an incredibly fun one.

Slathering nutella on bananas and clementines in our room was a memorable guilty pleasure, too!

Most Special Connection
On our last night Hannah and I split off from Amy and Ellie so we could each have our final evening with our respective daughters. Han and I headed to L'Oisive The, where I'd read that there was a Wednesday night knitting group. The tea was absolutely amazing, some of the best I've ever had (and you KNOW how I adore tea!)

But even better than the tea, the tiny cakes and fruit (green apples for Hannah, she was in heaven!) Yes, even better than the amazing chocolate cake and the petite scoops of glacˇ was the company.

There were about 8 of us, knitting and chatting (en Anglaise) and having a wonderful time. I love to visit knitting groups when I'm in a new town, and this was a spectacular way to end our time in Paris. This little taste of intimate Paris, like the tiny bit of ice cream, left me wanting more - I'll definitely be back!

Regrets
I'm tempted to say, Je ne regrette rien!, but that wouldn't be true. I wish we'd gone to Versailles, but the weather wasn't cooperating. I wish I'd packed my ipod, but I forgot it. I wish I had more comfortable shoes (my legs and knees are in dreadful pain) and I wish I would have packed half as much as I did.

I wish I would have purchased $500 in euros last Summer.

I wish I had my REAL glasses with me. They arrived from the Marriott in Portland while I was gone.

I wish we'd been able to use our credit cards (apparently North American cards don't work) in the Velib stations so we could have rented bikes to scoot around the city of light.

I wish the trip hadn't coincided with Jan's turn for the worse, and I cannot wait to see her this next week.

Pride
(or, rather, a healthy dose self respect...)
I'm most proud of actually SPEAKING French - being understood and doing more than just getting by in many instances. My French is, quite honestly, terrible. But having the chance to use it, to try, to be brave with it was priceless - and SO important for Hannah to see! I feel that now she has a grasp on what a gift a second language can be - and I hope it will make her own French studies go a bit easier than my continuous start-and-stop romance with le longue Fran¨aise.

Recommendations
I heartily recommend the following business that we visited in Paris, these MADE our trip as pleasant and wonderful as it was!

• Bike Around Tours (we had an absolute BLAST! Thank you, Chris!)
  
• L'Hotel Tiquitonne (they have no website, probably why they're such a bargain... You must call & be prepared to speak FRENCH to make a reservation)
• Breizh Cafe (wonderful, wonderful crepes. Make reservations!)
  
• Frog & Rosbif (their wifi was iffy, but their beer was AMAZING!)
• La Drogerie (lovely ribbons, trims, etc - I wasn't terribly excited about the yarns...)
• L'Oisive The (wonderful tea, and LOVELY atmosphere!)
• Coquelicot (I carried a dozen Madelines home with me from this jewel in Montmartre!)
• rue Montorgueil (the whole damn street, I kees you... And it's near Hotel Tiquitonne...)

And now it's 5:30 in the morning Paris time, I've been home for an hour (caught the tail end of the debate) and handed out the tea, tiny glowing Eiffel Tower and food chopper to the boys. Time for bed. I'm sure I'll think of more to write about later...

Le KFC, s'il vous plait!

Finding decent wifi's been difficult, today we're at the famous KFC near the Pompidou center, where the music is loud and the teens are louder...

Hannah wants to leave in the WORST way, so after checking my email (all answered!) and putting up some more photos (yes, I can get them up now) we'll flee for some last minute shopping before we head off tomorrow...

Here are the photos from today - we went to Sacre Coure (we didn't make it to Versailles, c'est a pity!) But we're having a delightful time and enjoying all that needs to be enjoyed (mostly ourselves!)

Still No Photos

The street on which sits our hotel

Notre Dame

Hannah sez: "You lookin' at me?"

I can't really find a wonderful internet server, so I can't get photos up onto my blog. I'll post a buttload later, but right now I'll just blog!

After the haircut and meal on Saturday we ambled over by the Louvre, then on to the Eiffel Tower where we picked up a roasted chicken, some bread and fruit and chocolate and sat for a picnic below the tower. We sat, eating and talking, while it slowly glowed blue in the setting sun. Then at 8:00 pm it began sparkling with lights - so lovely!

Hannah said she wondered if the folks living nearby ever got upset at the lights. I wonder...

We strolled back across the river and took the Metro home - late - well, late for us!

Sunday
We had an appointment at 10:00 for a bike tour, so we high-tailed it to the Ile de la Cite to meet the other bike tour folks. I was a bit worried about the tiny wheeled, folding bikes, but they were extremely easy to ride and quite comfortable (LOVE that gel seat!)

We rode through the 3, 4th, around to the 5th, 6th and a teeny bit close to the 7th before we returned. On Sundays the highway along the seine on the right bank is closed to cars, bikes only, so we had a singular experience! It was such an amazing trip - I'm SO glad that Amy found out about it!

Back home on Sunday for some sitting and resting, then we went out for cake and wine to celebrate Amy's daughter's birthday. It was an exceptional evening - we had such a nice time.

Today after visiting La Chapelle and Le Conciergerie, we split up - Amy and her daughter doing some shopping in the Latin Quarter, Hannah and I walking a bit (ice cream on Ile de St. Louis!) and returning to the Frog & Rosbif for lunch and some wifi time. So many emails were waiting - oy!

And now we're off to Sacre Coure, maybe, or maybe we'll just shop around here. We're near La Drogerie and Mokubu, both of which I want to hit...

Nous Sommes Ici!

We're here!

Right now I'm in the Frog & Rosbif, where there's good beer and wifi and I'm on the phone via skype with Gerry. Yay! Life is good! The internets aren't as fast as I'd like, so I'll upload photos referenced in this post later...

I just took some lovely photos of my knit designs on Amy, Elle & Hannah (devious sub-plot of trip) and we had a magnificent brunch. Now Amy is very kindly taking the girls for a little stroll to give me an hour to answer emails, blog and get some work done. And call Gerry. He's fine, by the way... Thank heaven for Skype!

The hotel is quite wonderful! It's not the Ritz, of course, but for the cost (55 euros/night) it's lovely and clean, the folks are kind and it's centrally located. Thank you, French Girl, for the advice to stay at the Hotel Tiquetonne!

After dropping our bags we walked around, had some cafe (chocolat for the girls) and croissants, then walked some more. A visit to Sephora allowed me to get one of my favorite things, the 4-sided maincure buff, so now my nails are beautiful - stunning - with absolutely NO gummy polish. Here's a before and after of my ugly ridged nail and my lovely new smooth nail!

We mostly passed the time until we could return at noon when our rooms would be ready. We shopped on Rue Montorgueil for baguettes, a wonderful cheese plate and some fruit to have a nice lunch back in our room, then we crashed until 5:00pm. A well deserved nap!

I had read about Breizh Cafe in Clotilde's Edible Adventures in Paris, so we set out on a walk for some of the unsual crepes. Unfortunately, I got completely turned around and what should have been a 15 minute walk turned into an hour stroll (through beautiful streets at a lovely time of day, but still...)

I was JUST about ready to give up - I felt hopeless in the face of so many streets with changing names - streets with names longer than the street actually is! But as soon as I said, "Let's just give up..." there it was, in front of us!

We hadn't made a reservation - I didn't even think of it - but the hosts were SO gracious and kind! They had a table reserved in 45 minutes, did we think we could eat dinner in that time? I made her laugh when I said, Madame, nous somme American, n'est ce pas?

And the food was amazing. They do some unusual and quite delicious crepes, dinner crepes, dessert crepes, simple or complex. The folks next to us had a flambeau and I thanked them for "dinner and a show" Then spent 15 minutes explaining what I meant. Another neighbor killed an annoying fly and I said, "Formidable!" Which got a laugh - not because I sounded stupid, either!

My French has been holding up, folks have been very kind and we're making ourselves understood well. Many folks, of course, speak English - but it's clear that the small effort of trying to speak French makes a world of difference. It's the tiny things - the purchase of some hand sanitzer, understanding a price in verbal French, making change using coins, that make me feel all giggly inside.

I'm a little insufferable.

And today? With the photo shoot out of the way we're going to stroll down the Champs Elysee, then walk over to the Eiffel Tower and take the Metro home. That's the plan, which we are free to deviate from at any time! Tomorrow is the bike tour, and that's our only FIRM plan on this trip. At some point we'd love to get out to Versailles.

Elle got her hair cut at the shop across the street from the hotel, 3-D, and it looks SMASHING! She is so French! Of course, photos later...