You may be feeling a higher level of confidence about yourself and your goals. Even if you doubt your abilities, things should finally begin to turn around. Nevertheless, it can be difficult to reserve your judgment just enough to accept life as it is and other people just as they are. Still, once you choose to take the high road, you gain the gift of a truly empowering vision.
I’m home now.
Highway Home
I’m shaken, bruised, tired and demoralized. I hurt in places I never knew existed (physically and mentally) and I have no idea what to do about it.
I look hard for the joy, the love, the positive in most of what I do – but these past weeks I’ve felt like a picture of Obama on a Fox News set.
Anyone who does anything publicly earns a certain number of positive and negative reviews. This is natural, and in 10 years of writing and teaching I’ve certainly accrued my share of both.
When reviews – not just mine, but anyone’s – go too far on the love / hate ends of the spectrum, I instinctively begin to question whether the reviewer is honestly relating facts, or is doing a bit of either kissing up or knife sharpening.
Folks, there have been pretty awful things written about me for a long, long time. From the time Confessions of a Knitting Heretic was published, there have been folks calling me everything but a child of god.
While it’s never easy to read bad stuff about yourself, there are phases in my life when it’s easier to deal with. These past few weeks have not been one of those times.
The worst part about folks writing mean stuff is that – well – it’s mean.
The second worst thing is that once anything is published on the internets (true or not) it becomes a footnote to be dragged out and waved around in future. That’s the, “Where there’s smoke, there’s fire” mindset which ignores the ability of the internet to act as a smoke machine.
And, even harder, when the crap written isn’t true, it somehow hurts even more. I still can’t quite puzzle that out.
When faced with a hard truth my reaction is to stop, think about it and try to learn/grow from the experience. When faced with a hard lie, there’s not really much to be done.
Fighting against an untrue assertion is like fighting smoke – there’s nothing there, a lie is a hard thing to disprove. When I read a scathing post about me on Ravelry, or a very nasty blog post dozens of anonymous and untruthful gossip snips masquerading as comments (“I heard that…”, “Someone told me that…”, “It’s well known that…” ) there’s not really a lot that I can do.
Speaking against it lends it credence, but ignoring it can eat my soul from the inside out; neither is a positive outcome.
And it could be that I’m just too damaged / wounded / sensitive to continue doing this teaching thing. Attack is easy, comedy is hard.
In discussing this situation with friends over the past week, one comment has been said to me several times, “That’s why I HATE the internet!”
Well, I don’t hate the internet, I enjoy it. I’ve learned things, made friends, and have run my very small business because of the internet. I feel it brings folks together much more than it ever could separate them.
But the haters are hard to read, my friend.
If you have been working too hard, now it’s time to start claiming your slice of the fun. But the Moon is in your 4th House of Home and Family, suggesting it might be nice to have a short “staycation” instead of going out of town.
You may even end up getting your kicks today by undertaking a simple domestic project or, perhaps, by inviting a friend over to share some quality conversation.
Yay, Rick Levine – thank you! Well, I’m staying put, that’s for certain.
Di Gilpin, Druid Priestess
I was green yesterday. Green from having a bit too much cider the night before, but mostly green from recovery of a week of teaching. I haven’t taught for an extended period since my fibromyalgia diagnosis, and now I know why.
It was a rather intense week of classes – 2 a day – with events with students in the evenings, wo/manning a booth at the marketplace and appearing in the Luminary panel (which was lovely, but quite hot…)
My students were wonderful – seriously astonishing – and I hope I lived up to their expectations for the classes.
But being “on” for a week takes its toll, and I’ve become expert at pushing away the tiredness for the present – only to have it come back and bite me hard when the dust has settled. And that’s exactly what’s happened to me now. The massive quantities of cider I imbibed on Monday evening didn’t help things…
Road Between Largoward & Perth
Yesterday I was so not myself. Exhausted – shattered they say over here – and almost as if I were walking around in a different body. American Express [car insurance] couldn’t have been nicer or more comforting, and that’s a very good thing.
But my muscles and joints ache, my throat is sore, my ears are ringing – in short, I’m in a flare up. Di knows about this, and thankfully she also understands that what I have isn’t communicable, it’s just my wacky auto immune system on the fritz. Sometimes she has similar issues, and this helps draw us together. Love of fiber, hatred of fibro…
Di's Sweet, Sweet Yarn Shop
So after collapsing at Di’s on Monday, and changing from light to dark to middle green all day yesterday, she and her wonderful husband have kindly invited me to just STAY PUT for a few more days.
Bridge Over Tay
I’ve got control of the caravan next to the house, it’s my haven and my refuge, and I think I will be doing more sleeping than I’ve ever done before. This is my haven right now, I am quite fortunate.
Yesterday I rode with Di to her shop in Perth, it’s a lovely, sweet little pink shop – a boutique – with small amounts of specialty yarns. While she set up her window display, I wandered around the area and visited the Tay River. The perfect amount of effort for a husk masquerading as a woman.
The drive back was so beautiful – it was sunset, and the light on the fields was bright and golden. We saw a hot air balloon, watched it fire up a few times (rather alarming at first) then it set down as we were driving past. What an evening to be up in the air!
So, Rick Levine, once again you are right on the money.
And Di & Colm, Thank you!
The Red Speck in the center is the Balloon
Today I taught Di the American expression, “You’ve got my back” – which she has right now. It’s not so much that she makes me miss home any less, but she DOES make me love it here a bit more right now.
I’m in Scotland. SCOTLAND. FREEDOM!
And I’m a little drunk. Did I mention I was in SCOTLAND.
Missing Gerry.
MWA – MISS YOU GERRY!
Missing the kids.
Miss you Hannah (best daughter EVER!) and Max (AMAZING son) and I wish I was with you. Wish it so hard that if wishes could come true I’d be in NJ right now.
Today a truck hit me. I’m fine. You wouldn’t even know from the damage to the car, just a dent in the side panel, but there it is.
I take out American Express insurance when I travel, now we’ll see how it REALLY flies. Just fine, I’m sure.
Sweet jaysus in the manger, I’m ready for some good news.
SO I arrived at Di Gilpin’s after driving through every inch of fyfe and now I’m a little – ahem – happy with the cider. It IS gluten free, you know. Life is good.
And cider is good.
And I am good.
And I am hoping that my insurance is good.
And the weekend was good.
And I’d like to be in a fetal position until I see Gerry again on Friday.
And then it will ALL be good. I miss my guy.
Why is it when you’re a little – ahem – happy – even being a trifle ill can be a religious experience? Who knows. I’m not there yet.
What the world needs is more drunk blogging. Mark my words. Did I mention the spider? I named him Bruce.
Annie at Loch Katrine
I’m heading out of Stirling today – I’m returning my rental bike, heading up to the Trossachs for at least one night, and just enjoying myself. I’m not sure what the status of my internet will be, so I may not be blogging for a few days.
My time here at Knit Camp has been very good. The students were MAGNIFICENT, the other teachers were a delight, and I felt the organization – all said- was pretty good. As Deb Robson said at breakfast today, “Other workshops weeks like this one have MUCH larger staffs, a few folks here were doing the work of many.”
Norah & I Cross Photograph
Whether that was wise or unavoidable, I don’t know. I do know that everyone I met worked harder than I’ve ever seen folks work to pull off a knitting week experience, and I’m grateful to them for all of their hard work!
Two evenings ago the trip to Loch Katrine was magnificent. Norah and I traveled up with a student named Fiona in Doug’s car, and had a lively and funny conversation all the way there.
G.R.eat Phonebooth
Once at the Loch, Norah and I took a long walk, so long, in fact, that by the time we returned to the cookout and got our dinners we were in danger of missing our group’s boat trip.
So instead of rushing it, we simply missed the boat trip and had a leisurely dinner, chatting, spending time together that we seldom get to spend. It was wonderful. Norah and I met about 25 years ago and have been good friends ever since, it’s very good to get to spend time with someone I admire so much (both professionally and personally!)
Sausage & Cider
The Stirling Management Center was a WONDERFUL place to stay! It was just hotel-ish enough, but not too in-your-business. A great place to relax, and I’m very happy to have met Sam the bartender, who made my visit much nicer with his constant smile and kind word. No one here was unkind, and many went beyond kindness. Thank you!
Now I head up to a hostel, in my little rented car. I shared a cab with Norah Gaughn and her husband to the Edinburgh airport, picked up my rental car, and I’ll be off to visit friends in the East of Scotland for a few days before I fly home to the states on Friday.
I’ll meet up with Gerry and the kids in the NYC area, and we’ll take that chance to visit his family, have a nice reconnect with his mom and with our east coast friends, then head up the Hudson to see other friends and eventually head back West to Minnesota.
The Boat We Missed
Gerry’s cancer numbers are back up, and before they climb too high he wants to get out to see his family, just to give them a physical hug. So he swears he’s okay driving out with the kids, and I’ll fly back to JFK and we’ll be a happily reunited family once again. Huzzah!
I have to admit I do feel a little guilty for my extra time. The rental car is equivalent to a hotel for a few days, and that’s what it saves me by allowing me to easily stay with friends instead of at B&Bs, etc. Tonight at the hostel is my big extravagance, but I’m not sure when I’ll be up that way again, and it’s SO lovely.
Once again, Scotland, thank you. I love you very much.
Loch Katrine At Sunset
Graffiti Is Bad
For the first time since last October, I taught two classes back to back today. It’s something I used to do with very little thought, but now it’s a huge consideration.
The classes were both amazing – such wonderful, kind and funny knitters, so eager and ready to learn, so thrilled with the tiny tips we all shared among ourselves.
The first was my Combination Class, always a good one. This was a very smart group, though, so I was able to toss a LOT of stuff at them.
My afternoon class was supposed to be Lorilee’s Continental Knitting Class. I felt as though I might be letting the women down a bit, not being Lorilee, but by the end of the class I felt secure that I’d given them a good time and they learned a lot. Good times!
Today were some of the most enjoyable classes I’ve taught, and the location cannot be beat! Stirling is an amazingly beautiful place. Before lunch yesterday I rode around the loch, a lovely trip, and then rode around campus.
Bike at the Loch
Today I went for a nice ride into Bridge of Allan, then headed off to the Tesco in Stirling (I passed over the old stone bridge to get there)
Why am I riding? Partly for sanity – being on a bike keeps me focused and happy. And partly for pain. I cannot lie, I’m aching and just sitting on the edge of a mighty flare up.
I’m being sensible, missing some of the fun stuff I’d like to engage in (the Stitch & Bitch talk tonight) and using the energy I have to do some stretching and bike riding to keep the pain levels in check.
Stormy Stirling Sky
I’m certain I’ll be dandy, the beds here are very comfy and every morning I wake up a new person, but right now I’m feeling the fibro in a HUGE way.
There are several women here who also suffer from fibromyalgia – we’ve been comparing notes on what works for us, it makes me feel less alone. I wonder if we’ll have a chance to just sit and chat during the next few days!
While on my bike today I took some great photos, the decision to rent this was wonderful, I’m SO glad I have it!
Haggisdog - Ask For It By Name!
Galic Caution
Financially things have been pretty stressful, but that’s true for SO many folks that it’s not even worth mentioning. And in the thick of the worst we’ve been able to do things like our family trip to Ireland on the very cheap (house share and frequent flier miles) as an investment in memories for the future.
My lack of stamina, my unexpected flare ups, the pain visits have so sapped my confidence that I have been feeling rather low about my ability to do – anything. Or at least do anything well enough to support the family.
So my horoscope today is right on target. I can’t expect anyone else to believe in me if I don’t believe in myself.
Looking for – and seeing – my own strengths is an exercise I need to engage in more effectively.
Thank you once again, Rick Levine!
If you are facing a stressful financial situation now, it’s time to make a serious decision about how best to spend or save your money. But this goes deeper than being a simple cash flow problem because the underlying issue is probably about your self-esteem. When you realize what you have to offer, your earning power could grow, so don’t fall into the trap of thinking that you’re worth any less than you actually are.
Change Trains?
So I’m finally here in Stirling, in my lovely room looking out onto greenery and trees, watching Antiques Road Show and recovering from 28 full hours of travel. I felt a bit like Steve Martin/John Candy by the time my experience had ended yesterday.
It’s past noon and I should be out and about, but I really need the time to just sit (not moving) and veg a bit.
One highlight of my train trip yesterday was drinking cider and eating prawn chips while chatting with a young doctor on the train from Edinburgh to Stirling. She seemed SO young, but so composed. A lovely seat mate!
Bridges - Where?
The train ride up from London to Edinburgh was beautiful, a few loud revelers and children aside (the kids finally calmed down and it seems they were just hungry… The revelers never quieted down, they were just drunk.)
It was a very comfortable ride with wifi and views worth SO much more than the price of the ticket! I befriended a lovely little doggie (who shed, but was so cute I didn’t care) and the whole trip took much less time than I’d imagined.
Golden Fields in England from a Train
Putting together an event like the UK Knit Camp is massive, gigantic, and not everyone does it as well as we all might like. For better or for worse, there is a learning curve when folks bite off a huge chunk.
We’ve become used to a society of perfection. We’ve come to believe that when something – unfortunately and humanly – isn’t perfect, it’s not worthwhile. Anyone who’s taken a class with me knows my feelings about perfection. Only suckers, liars and fools think perfection is humanly possible.
The organization for the UK Knit Camp has not been perfect. There have been problems – mostly mis-communications - that are understandable given the first-time status of the main organizer. Each of us has a different threshold where we say, “Enough!” but I am far from that point with this event – I am very much looking forward to it.
I’ve been involved in a lot of knitting events, and while this is not the best organized to date, it’s certainly not the worst.
Along with the missteps I’ve been very impressed with the general scope of the event, the projected field trips, the enthusiasm of the participants, volunteers and other instructors with whom I’ve been communicating. It’s a source of great sadness to me that one of the teachers I was most hoping to meet is now back in the states, that is a very hard pill to swallow.
Has there been drama? Yes – but not so much for me, personally, and I can really only speak for myself. Perhaps I’ve been lucky. We each have different experiences with people, it’s like chemistry.
When one thing goes wrong, folks sometimes begin to pile on. “Did you hear…”, “YES! And I ALSO heard …”
Now, I enjoy a good gossip as much as the next person, but when it causes a certain amount of panic (which directly affects a good number of folks’ bottom lines) it’s not helpful.
As far as I’m concerned, UK Knit Camp is happening, and it’s going to be great. I’m writing this on a train from London to Stirling, so obviously I have a lot of faith in what I’m writing. And probably a little bit of hand-clapping for Tinkerbell, too…
Folks may have heard there are some work permit problems with the UK Camp, I’m happy to share what I know.
AND, if the aforementioned permit doesn’t materialize, then I’ll ENJOY Knit Camp. I’ll go on the field trips, I’ll see Stirling, I’ll meet lots of nice knitters and UK Yarn would have paid for a nice little vacation for me.
But I don’t think that’s going to happen, because –
Cleaning Your East Coast Train
My mother had a philosophy, which may have been foolish, which was, “Assume the Best.”
She would say, “If you assume the best, the worst that can happen is you look like a fool. If you assume the worst, you may look like a bitch.”
A flawed philosophy, but it works for me.
So the rumors of the death of the UK Knit Camp have been greatly exaggerated.
And, loving Forensic Files as I do, I’ll be happy to jump into the post mortem when that point arises! Until then – Camp On!
NYC from the Martha Stewart Offices
What a day. What a great, hot, steamy, crowded, busy, head-achy, memory-lane-strolling day this has been.
New Shoes for the Event
I’m in New York. I’m sitting in my friend’s apartment – the SAME apartment she had after we left college (we were briefly college roommates.) And let me tell you, I have spent MANY happy hours in this apartment!
So odd – so wonderful – to be here. The blisters from my new shoes are NOT so wonderful.
When I moved to New York in 1982, it was into the Upper West Side. I loved it here, I lived here for many years, then I moved to Texas for a year and when I returned I had been priced out of the UWS. So it was Brooklyn for me – which I also grew to love – but I never forgot how strongly affected I’d been by living on the Upper West Side.
New Hair for the Event (I forgot to take the photo until I'd washed off my makeup!)
My friend is kindly allowing me to stay in her apartment, even though her family’s away this weekend, and I’m very grateful. So I was able to add an overnight layover to my flight to Scotland so I could be in town for the Martha Stewart Blogger event – coordinated to be attend-able by many of the bloggers from Blog Her 2010.
I used to work for Martha Stewart Living [Omnimedia] and it was with more than a little apprehension that I boldly accepted the invitation to the event (I’m still trying to figure out how my invitation slid under the radar…)
But I was interested – I was curious – and it seemed the planets were in alignment for me to come. So I said yes! And, well, I was also flattered.
Arriving not-too-fashionably late, the lobby of the MSLO* offices were crowded with bloggers eyeing each other in a ‘should-I-know-you‘ way.
It was hot and stuffy, and the idea of lining up in a snaking mass for a party compelled a few folks to leave. But I had nothing better to do – and as hot as the lobby was, it was much hotter outside!
Do you have a glitter palette?
Finally it was time for my section of the line to troop into the little elevator and head up to the party. There we waited in another line, a shorter one, but an AIR CONDITIONED line. Hooray!
Walking through the offices to the party room I passed the video editing department – what memories – and many of the crafting areas.
It really WAS fun working at MSLO, between the tears.
MSLO Party Time!
I was pregnant for a good part of my tenure (hormones, anyone?), and I was a BIG pregnant woman (It didn’t help that while I looked like I was having twins another pregnant co-worker, more in keeping with the MSLO aesthetic, looked as though she’d simply had a big lunch.)
So my sense of loving my job was mixed with the bittersweet feeling that I just never quite 100% fit into the seven-sisters size six swans who filled the hallways. But that was 12 years ago.
Today was the fête, and it was set up as a series of stations where bloggers could learn about new MS products or services with which she’s affiliated while circulating, chatting and drinking.
Oh, Kay!
Immediately upon receiving my first glass of champagne, I ran into Caro (she took my picture!) and we chatted. How nice to see a friendly face right off the bat!
I wandered into the main party room and who should I see but Kay Gardiner! We’re having breakfast tomorrow, I’m SO looking forward to a chance for a nice, long chin wag!
It was flattering that several folks knew who I was, seemed happy to see / meet me and some had some really lovely stories about designs of mine they’d worked up. It was totally unexpected, but balm for the soul.
And for almost the first time since going gluten free, I was SORELY tempted by the cakes, pies, pizzas and s’mores that were flowing like champagne. But, as long as there WAS champagne (and spiked watermelon on a stick, and some green savory cocktail) I was a happy woman.
Cupcakes!
I wandered over to Lucinda Scala Quinn’s table to chat up her very attractive sons (and to scam a scraper – and a T shirt!) and we immediately bonded when I let slip that I’m from St. Paul. (And not just St Paul, but Crocus Hill where the wonderful store, COOKS, can be found. I bike past it every time I go to Yoga!)
Apparently when Lucinda had a recent signing of her book, Mad Hungry, at Cooks, it was a delightful event and she and her sons fell in love with St Paul. Obviously I’m sympathetic to that sentiment – it was a brief visit to St. Paul that ended with our family moving there – it’s an easy place to fall in love with!
I ran into Hannah Millman, the soul of so MANY wonderful projects from Martha’s books, shows and magazine. She was happy to see me, I was thrilled to see her, and I was able to give her a copy of Twist & Loop (I brought it just HOPING I’d see her as she would really GET all of the wire work in the book!) Mission accomplished!
Mata, The Calligrapher
I love parties, I love to be silly and chat with folks and make them laugh. I love to drink, I love to have fun, and this was so much more fun than I’d expected it to be! I’m afraid I was just drunk happy enough to totally forget the names of two lovely women I spoke with from MSLO, both of whom I gave books! Shout out, ladies, I’d love to keep in touch!
A very odd sort of coincidence happened when I wandered over to Mara Zepeda’s table where she was calligraphing – that’s the word she used, ‘Can I calligraph a card for you?’ – special dates for folks.
It was the third of September, a day I'll always remember...
The woman ahead of me asked that September 3rd, her birthday, be written on her card. I said, “Oh, that’s my birthday, too!”
And how bizarre when we learned that not only did we share a birthday, but we were born in the same year! Very cool – very unusual!
On the way out I was chatting with a very tall fellow who looked familiar to me. It ended up that I didn’t know him, however one of his best friends is a very talented designer [Tracy Christensen] I remember so fondly from grad school – very small world!
MSLO Swag
Jeff has been writing an interesting blog - sort of a MSLO twist on Julie & Julia – and I look forward to reading the archives!
And that’s the kind of day it’s been. Pretty great.
I got home and poured out the goody bags. Lots of little stuff, ads, discount coupons, but enough cool stuff to make me feel a little giddy. I will leave most of it for my kind hostess – I hope she likes Miracle Whip…
I’m losing steam as I write this – evidently a bit too much champagne – and at 11:00 I’m ready to call it a night. I’m such a lightweight – this would have been getting started time when last I was a guest in this apartment.
*Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia
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