Hello Again, My Friends!

I’m up.  It’s 5am and by default I have Morning Joe on (I NEVER watched that show until I had cancer, now it’s something I automatically turn on when I’m up with my early morning cancer wakings.)

I feel like crap, but I honestly feel like much BETTER crap than I did a few days ago.

This has been true every day that I’ve queried myself for the past two weeks.

I feel like doggy-doo, but it’s better looking doggy-doo than yesterday.

HUGE on my mind right now is the start of my next (third) round of chemo, set to start on Monday 10/15.  I will be hospitalized for 5 days for this adventure.

I’m smack in the middle of the four full rounds of chemo that are required to treat this fast moving cancer, two are finished, two are yet to go.

My Chemo Pump Is My Constant Companion

Of the two that are finished, one was an ‘easy’ one (I was able to do the chemo at home with a pump attached to my port.)

The other chemo round was a very hard one (in the hospital for the full time, lots of sickness, lots of pain and exhaustion, released when the chemo was finally finished.) 

The recovery from chemo rounds 1 & 2 were exactly as you’d imagine; Round 1 went pretty smoothly, Round 2 was hell.  Rounds 3 & 4 will be MUCH more like Round 2, no more Mr.-Nice-Pump for me, it’s all going to be chemo in a hospital bed, clinging to the railing, puking and trying not to make too much of a mess as I get up to use the toilet.  Actually, I guess I AM glad that it’s not happening in my home.

I’m terrified that Round 3 will be even MORE hellish, and I fear that I’m going to cry like a little girl.

Which I KNOW is “okay” – but it’s still not fun.

I keep racking my brain for ANY food that is remotely appealing, but everything I try (even stuff that “sounds good”) ends up being a vehicle for nausea.  Even my old stand by, ice cream.  Oy.

Yep, I def only can stomach the pricier ‘real ingredients’ stuff!

So, I’m still here.  A little shaky, a little pale, and apparently I’m right in the “eye” of the chemo, but I’ll get through it.  Thank you for being here with me.

Physically I feel rather lonely.  I can’t really see many folks, I’m SO susceptible to any kind of infection, so the fewer people I see, the better my chances for getting through this without a serious complication.  I miss human interaction, though.  Gerry loves me, Andy is amazing, and every week or so I see Kathleen.  But aside from that I’m kind of on my own, and I never realized how much I get from just BEING with other folks.

Thank god for the kitties and Jasper, they love me so much, and I love them.

20 thoughts on “Hello Again, My Friends!

  1. There is no euphemism, platitude or cliche that makes this any easier. You will win. You will thrive. My heart is with you.

  2. You have so many people holding you up. And if you can’t eat anything, remember they have a magical giant bag of something called TPN that they can give you thru your port. I lived on that for a couple of weeks thru each transplant. I don’t think I even drank water.

  3. I have no words, dear friend. However, could you set up a FaceTime call with friends? I know it’s not the same as a real visit, however, it might be good contact?

    As for the chemo, maybe think of next week as Thursday. Nearly the weekend, when you’re free. You can see the weekend and freedom from Thursday!

    Much love, virtual hugs.

  4. So good to hear from you. I feel like poop too but that’s because of mental health issues. You have an amazing sense of humor and your attitude and perspective, well, I don’t have words. It seems even amidst all you are going through you manage to find some joy and then share it. Love you.

  5. I don’t know that there are any words that can make this easier or better, but silence doesn’t either I guess… so know that I’m out here… know that we’re out here… thinking, wishing, hoping, waiting, holding on to you. Many, many cyber type, gentle and antiseptic, hugs. ((((((((((((((((((hug)))))))))))))))))

  6. Okay, now Ima ROAR loudly from the sidelines. Glad the feeling better trend is there. Sending love and endurance and sleep and small nibbles that stay down. Also, if friends are willing to do the whole mask and gown and gloves thing, maybe risk would be low enough to have company? Big hugs to Andy & Gerry, too.

  7. Bravery wins out…….though I find it sad that even ice cream is out!!!! Who ever heard of resistance to Haagen Daz?

  8. When I underwent chemo I found that I only enjoyed eating things that are sweet and slightly sour/tart, like a tangerine, for example.
    I had thought that something fairly neutral would be good, and took almonds with me to eat during a chemo session – but then I couldn’t stomach almonds for a couple years afterwards. You just have to find what works for you for the interim.

  9. Keep hanging on — even if it’s by a strand of Modeknit yarn! I am in awe of your fortitude and your attitude. I think about you every day and send my own form of healing energy. I love that you continue to write.

  10. I’m thinking of some Tequila Mockingbird Flow – in a DK & maybe some 3-5 needles to just play with – – – something to feed ones soul . . . . yarn fumes can be very healing (so I’ve heard). hmmmm – wahdoyou think? Love the crap-pay . . . .

  11. Thank you for sharing this. You have been in my thoughts and I’m so glad that courageous woman showed up to testify
    to her toughness, still shining through. Bless you. You are so loved. Stay strong.

  12. You can do this. It’s OK to cry. I’m glad you have your pets and. your family around for comfort when it’s too risky for your friends to visit. Hang in there.

  13. You have 2 more days to feel more better. Then you can suck up those drugs so they can kill off the stupid cancer. I know you know that each treatment will be followed by increasing doodoo feelings, and you also know that you can recover! Best of wishes from this old chemo nurse. You just need to find something to get calories into you! Good luck!

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