A Year Out

This month marks a year since I completed my chemo last January, and in some ways I feel I’ve just been marking time.

When I look at my own recovery this past year, it seems SO slow that at times I felt that I was moving backwards.  That’s why it’s so good to have friends who only see me every 3 or 6 months, they can give me a much better assessment of how well I’m doing.

We moved this week.  We found a house that allows me to do all of my living on one floor (LR, Kitchen, BR, Bathroom all on ground level!) with a floor for Andy (attic, charming and cozy) and a floor for Max (basement, not as cozy, but he has a space heater…)  The bonus is that the laundry and storage rooms in the basement will lend themselves nicely to dyeing.  This also means that we’ll have to build some kind of wall dividing Max’s space from the dyeing space, but we have until Max graduates in June.

And, every three months I’ve been going in for my checkup with my oncologist, every 6 months I get a pet scan to make sure the Lymphoma’s not returning.  So far, so good – until today.  The numbers were a bit wacky, so I have to go back on Thursday for some more decisive tests.  I’m expecting all to be well, it’s really the only way to focus my mind and not go a bit crazy waiting for test results.

The weirdest thing is that this has been a year without Gerry.

For the first half of the year, I’m not sure I was even fully aware that Gerry was gone.  Yes, I KNEW that he had died in October, but I was spending so much of my energy, mental and physical, on just coming back from Lymphoma and sepsis that I compartmentalized his loss and worked hard not to dwell on it.

Sometime in July it really hit me hard, though, and I started attending a Grief and Loss group at the Twin Cities Gilda’s Club.  I only wish they had one closer than Wayzata, but it’s a lovely group and I look forward to it every week.

I miss Gerry, and I do feel a bit lonesome sometimes, but I’m very fortunate to have amazing kids who have promised to be with me for a few more years, and now we have a lovely house that I can actually GET AROUND IN, and where I can live a more normal life than I could in our old house.  And, mentally, I think it was probably time for a fresh start.

So I just keep on keeping on.  Walking is still very difficult, my legs are still numb from toes to waist and I don’t feel much positive movement there.  Next week my business partner Kathleen and I will be traveling to Hawaii for a long-awaited and much deserved break (she, because she’s run the company single handed; me, because I have survived!!) Boy, that feels weird, saying I’ll be leaving for Hawaii next week.  I hope I come back with a bit of sun to see me through the rest of the Minnesota winter!

5 thoughts on “A Year Out

  1. Glad the move went well and that your living space is all on one floor!
    Hope you and Kathleen have an AMAZING trip to Hawaii!!!

  2. I have my fingers crossed for you to get good numbers on Thursday, and an easy trip next week. I’m actually leaving for Hawaii this week, and it’s a hike to get there! But worth it.

  3. Say hello to the Crouching Lion in Hawaii for me! I’m sure your numbers will be great–numbers just like to rebel every once in a while, to show they have power over us. I tell them they’re imaginary, and go away.

    HUGS!

  4. The bad numbers are a fluke – you’re fine. In fact, you may begin to feel a little bit in your legs within the next two months. (Yes, I love to believe I have power.)

    Andy and Max are great kids. You and Gerry did a grand job.

    Have a wonderful trip to Hawaii!

  5. You are going places, Annie, both literally and emotionally and physically!
    Safe and happy travels to you and Kathleen. Will await your next post from Hawaii!!! All of us out here love you. ❣️

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *