In two days I turn 59, which is older than many of my family members were able to make, but I’m definitely feeling like a celebration! I’ve ordered a cake from Ben & Jerry’s, I intend to wear a party hat to my chemo / infusion / lab draws on Thursday, and I also intend to grab onto every single birthday I’m fortunate enough to have from this point onward.
None of us will beat death, it will get us in the end. I’ve become much more at peace with that truth over the last few years. I’ve lost so many folks who are close to me, maybe that’s why I have such a strong desire to see a grandchild. Or maybe it’s just that I love babies.
Every three months I’ve been going in for my checkup with my oncologist, every 6 months I get a pet scan to make sure the Lymphoma’s not returning. So far, so good – until today. The numbers were a bit wacky, so I have to go back on Thursday for some more decisive tests. I’m expecting all to be well, it’s really the only way to focus my mind and not go a bit crazy waiting for test results.
I think I’m going to try to make it downstairs today, just for the change of scenery and maybe to watch a movie with Andy.
As I’ve discussed earlier, my mind wants to be fully well TODAY, but my body disagrees with that plan and insists on a few extra months.
The plan at this point is for my dye assistant, Layla, to pick up some of the slack I am dropping during my recovery, and perhaps to do some specialty orders. We won’t be up to our old dye schedule for quite a while, but perhaps we can devise a new normal to allow us to continue to develop color ways, products and projects, while at the same time allowing Layla and Kathleen to have more creative input into the biz.
That part is HARD for me. I wouldn’t call myself a ‘control freak’, but my NAME is on the company (well, 4 letters of my name) and I feel an ownership of the creative side that I might not feel if we had just named our company, “Minnesota Nice Yarns” or something like that.
The Cost Of Pain
It’s a terrible thing when a friendship or marriage ends. I think, quite often, there’s been some deep pain episode which supersedes either parties ability to rally and connect with each other. Gerry and I have talked about how lucky we are that, at the advent of his cancer, he was covered by his UNION insurance (Thank You IATSE Local #1) and that made all the difference in our ability to even KEEP our home for the first 5 years.
I’ve had a lot of folks writing to me — thank you! And many comments on this blog and on FaceBook with supportive messages. One of the most common lines of interest is, “How did you get through so much pain and NOT realize something was terribly wrong?” Pushing Through The pain I’d been experiencing…
So I figured that I had the entire month of July to rest and ready myself and dye a bunch of yarn for upcoming shows.
Little did I know that instead of resting, I’d be writhing. Because, Cancer.
Since we first married Gerry’s said that as late Summer rolls around I start getting geared up for something different, NEW, to happen. He says I always seem happier when there’s a change happening in the Fall, so this year should make me VERY happy!
What I HAVE dyed in the few days, though, is amazing. I’ve dyed the equivalent of 240 skeins of yarn, most for orders, but some of it for our stock. And now that the last batches are in their citric acid baths, I’ve changed out of my dye clothes and into something dry and cool, and I’m engaging in one of my guilty pleasures; binge-watching ALONE on the History Channel, and enjoying my indoor plumbing, running water and beautiful home!