The Road Back

I’m bedridden.

I haven’t left my bed (except for bathroom, doctor’s visits and 4 or 5 attempts to go downstairs and watch TV with the kids and friends) in months, which is something I never expected to live through.

It’s very odd to be trapped in this way.  My legs are both so numb from the toes all the way up to my hips that walking is very difficult (and I have the bruises from several falls to prove it!)  The numbness —also known as Neuropathy — is terrifying because I’m not sure if it will eventually go away, or if I’ll have it forever.  None of my nurses or doctors seems as worried about it as I am, so I take that as a good sign…

I’m also trapped by exhaustion.  Yes, sleeping for 22 hours a day STILL leaves me with a huge energy suck of exhaustion.  When I walk to the stairs and maneuver myself down them on my bottom, one step at a time, I’m ready for a 2-hour nap by the time I reach the last step.

Coming back up, I’ve graduated from crawling back up on hands and knees to walking up, one step at a time, with my cane, and I’m damned proud of that.  But by the time I get to the top step I’m ready to plotz!

Recovery takes time, I just wasn’t prepared for how MUCH time it is taking.

When my doctor used the word, “Remission,” I thought that meant that I’d be back to ‘normal’ immediately.  But I’m not, and I won’t be anywhere near my old self (because, after all, WHAT IS NORMAL?) for months.  I haven’t set goals for myself because this is such new territory for me that I have no idea of the time frame for any of it.

All I know is that I’m exhausted, in pain, and my balance is for shit.  For months I was dizzy just being upright, which is the main reason I hadn’t been blogging.  But now I’m feeling strong enough to commit to blogging about my Lymphoma recovery.

Every day I work on my stamina and balance.  I walk to the bathroom at least 10 times a day (TMI?), and I practice just STANDING next to my bed to help me feel more confident in my strength.

Thank you so much for coming along with me on this adventure so far.  I look forward to the day when I can run up and down stairs again, and RIDE MY BIKE around Lake Phalen.

A girl can dream!