Game Of Alones

.I’ve done a lot of things alone in the past six months, since losing Gerry.

I eat most of my meals alone, in my room, since stairs remain so difficult.  I sleep alone, I am learning to walk again, alone.

Andy is with me quite a bit, but, as a percentage of my days, I see very few folks on a regular basis.

And, of course, I never see the one person I really want to see,
and won’t ever see him again.

I miss Gerry.  It seems painfully obvious to write that, but it’s the strongest thread in this difficult year; I miss Gerry.

I miss walking, I miss good health, I miss the ease of my previous life, I miss cycling, but most of all I miss Gerry.

I miss having someone around who would know, intimately, the pain that I’m feeling in my back (he had several crushed vertebrae from his Myeloma.)

I miss Gerry’s fastidiousness, the house seems shabby and in an odd state of disrepair since he’s been gone.  Andy lacks the time and energy and I am not physically able to keep things as nice as they used to be.

I miss Gerry’s humor, although I swear that I hear his laughter many times throughout the day.  We’d become such a comedy “duo” over our 25 years of marriage that I can almost write his jokes for him, in my mind, when the opportunity arises.

I miss his hugs.  He was small, but strong, and I miss him surprising me with a hug from behind while I’m reading or writing or just sitting outside.

It feels so weird, though, that the times I’ve missed him MOST since his passing have been while watching this final season of Game Of Thrones.

In our modern world, one of the activities that brings couples together is watching a favorite show.  Gerry and I both loved television, unashamedly, but we didn’t agree on every show (of course!)

One show we absolutely loved was The Americans.  We would save up episode and watch them together on Roku, for hours at a time, binging, and we’d love it.

I feel a special note of gratitude to The Americans for closing the show so beautifully,
and doing it in time for Gerry to appreciate the ending.

Game Of Thrones, though, is continuing on, sans Gerry, through it’s last season.

Gerry and I loved GOT.  We loved the plot twists, the bizarre theories, the wild fans and all of the videos.  Gerry especially loved listening to one YouTube channel with amazing theories (most proved correct!) while he was puttering around in the kitchen, his domain.

Sometimes I think I can hear him in there, making a grilled cheese sandwich,
but alas it’s the cat doing something catlike.

I put off watching Game Of Thrones this season until plot reveals on Facebook made me chose between tuning in, or having the season spoiled.  I didn’t want to watch alone, but I didn’t want to watch with anyone else.  So I watched, alone

It’s a good season of GOT, Gerry would have loved it.  I’m loving it.  It seems a lovely farewell to a beloved TV series; I wish I had had time to give Gerry the same kind of farewell.  I still wake up in a cold sweat from dreams about Gerry dying with no one around him but medical staff, no family, no me.  I was functionally immobile from my reaction to strong chemo, but that doesn’t lessen my guilt at not being WITH him at the end.  Just because you know something’s out of your control doesn’t necessarily lessen the guilt.

Neither of the kids are into the show, and I hate to drag Andy into the final season just so I’m not watching alone.  Besides, it’s cathartic in a way that nothing else has been, to watch – and cry – and watch.  Sleep is so much a part of my recovery that I’m usually snoring by 8:30pm, which means I catch up on GOT on Mondays.

I feel less alone watching the show during the day, although in this insanely
dark season I have to close the curtains or I can’t actually SEE anything!

So every Monday during the GOT season here I am, curtains drawn and iPad glowing, weeping, missing Gerry, loving the show, finding a way to deal with widowhood.