We heard the news today that we didn’t want to hear (oh boy)

Although Dr. Costas at Mayo did say that sometimes folks with Multiple Myeloma go on for long periods of time, it’s not common. He wasn’t hopeless or pessimistic, but realistic. We appreciate this – we’ve not based our marriage on false hopes, we’re pretty honest with each other. It seems this is the best way to continue – hopeful but realistic.

We were told what the doctor at U of M told us – but the blow seemed softer somehow. Probably because we had heard it before and we were waiting for it. I recorded it on my iPod, but I think I screwed it up. Damn.

Dr. Costas was frank. He said the time frame we’re looking at is a couple of years.

Me: A couple of years?
DC: A couple.
Me: As in – two?
DC: Yes, two.

Gerry seems as if he hasn’t 100% absorbed this. Sweet JC, I haven’t either. Who could?

I’m clinging to numbers, math, things that can be quantified. It was stressed to us that everyone is different, every scenario unique. All they can tell us are the averages.

My mind is filled with numbers and math;

Max is 9 and Hannah is 10.
730 days.
17,520 hours.
24 months.
We’ve had 15 years together
Married August 21.
Gerry was born 54 days before my brother, Jim.
Mom’s birthday was May 24.

Useless numbers.

Since our appointment with the social worker is tomorrow morning, we decided to drive home and save the $$ on the hotel. More numbers. We leave at 7:30. Home, if lucky, by 1:00 ish.

We did stop on the way and had a very good dinner – 1 down, 729 to go? Don’t you DARE tell me not to go there – How can my mind NOT go there. I won’t dwell there, but I can’t help but peek inside, and don’t try to stop me. You’re not the boss of me. So there.

It was a long and quiet ride home to get the kids, and thank our friend who’d watched them for us. Thank you Jane, thank you Cora – thank you so much!

This has come on very quickly – as you know – and Gerry’s in stage 3. That was news to me, but Gerry seemed aware of it. He’s better read on this than I am. 3 is worse than 1.

Mayo wants to do the stem cell transplant sooner rather than later (he’s responding very well to his medication – yay – and they said there’s nothing really to be gained by waiting 3 months) so it may begin to happen as soon as end of July / beg of Aug. They’re worried about the Zometa’s effects on his kidneys’ so they’re stopping that.

And – the day after he finished a few sessions at the dentist – we’re told that going to the dentist while on Zometa probably isn’t the best idea due to a not-nice but unusual side effect.

Mayo will try to arrange it so that Gerry’s worst phase – when he really needs 24/7 care after the high dose chemo and I need to focus entirely on HIM – will coincide when the kids are in NJ for 10 days.

I need to book those flights.

More numbers.

I’m numb with numbers.

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