Pondering In My Heart

I’m trying to work through some stuff, directions, etc.

I thought I’d find a shining sign at TNNA: GO FORTH AND DO THIS! But I didn’t.  I did get a lot of support, though, which is excellent.

Shrug En Route & "B" Twist

I’m finishing up my Lace Bootcamp and Twisted Float Shrug Online Classes, which start on July 1.  I always feel doubtful about a class the first time I run it, and this time is no exception.  Time to just keep plugging away and try to make it as comprehensible as possible.

If you’d care to sign up for either of my new classes, please use the code “july” for a 25% discount. I feel better discounting the first run of a class, I figure I learn as much from you as you do from me, and this allows me to give a break to folks who are willing to be guinea pigs!

Wavy Lace Wrong SideAside from working on the classes, there’s not a lot going on.  I’m mentally and physically preparing for UK Knit Camp in Stirling (I’ll be teaching a few classes) and on the horizon is that magnificent Italian adventure in September (I’ll be teaching, it should be – how you say – amazing!)

But mostly I’m just – mentally – trying to find my place right now.

Calm Mississippi Dog Run

I need to find a peaceful, calm place to roost, a place where I can do what I love, pay the mortgage, and not feel encumbered by this fibro crap / pain that crops up at the most inconsistent times.

Mentally, the fibro is wearing me down, I have to say it.  When I was first diagnosed I was not aware of how much this would affect me.  This renewed awareness is almost more of a boulder in my path than the fibro itself.

I’m sorry I’m not more – me? – today.  Funny?  Joyful?  Deep down I’m all those things, really!

But right now the part of me that’s rising to the top is the scared and hurt part.  Obviously I need to knit more.  Or maybe I need to stir things up?  Or maybe I need some dispersant? However you spin it, this fibro-depression is lurking just under my surface like a 300 foot plume.


Why am I really so low today?  I had a bad doctor’s appointment.  Not a bad appointment, a bad DOCTOR who just went off on healthcare, political stuff, etc. with no encouragement from me.  Honest.  None at all.  And I know from encouraging folks to go off, it’s a real skill of mine.  This time, it wasn’t me.  He was going off on folks before we even arrived (we heard him explaining some of his views as we passed another exam room.)

This picture has nothing to do with the text. I just wanted to show that we'd been to see the Dead Sea Scrolls for Father's Day.

It was bizarre.  If Gerry hadn’t been with me (and if I hadn’t seen the look on the Physician’s Assistants face, who was in the room with us and was trying to keep it together) I would have thought I was nuts.

Well, maybe I am – but this guy was NUTSIER.

He tried, belatedly, to apologize for going off on  – me? the world? – I don’t really know who his anger/frustration was directed toward.  But he was angry.

He said so at one point – “I’m angry.” Very odd.

So that was my last visit, not so much because he’s a freakazoid (and I know from freakazoid docs, this was the fellow who delivered Hannah in Oct 1996, the same month as the carving incident) It was our last visit because our insurance runs out in 10 days.

See, a silver lining already!

The kids will have to be uninsured for 4 months before they’re eligible for MN care, Gerry will be on SSDI Medicare.  But I’ll be floating along like a dandelion seed, wafting away on a breath blown by an asthmatic kid.

Twisted Float Detail

And me? I will knit. I’m putting the resume together, looking into temp type work, but I just don’t think I have the physical stamina to work a full 8 hours in a day without resting, or coming home in severe pain.

Obviously the work a bit, rest a bit schedule is great – but since January I can’t seem to produce enough to keep it going.

How can I be terribly upset, though, when I have such amazing yarn to work with?  This is a swatch using Lorna’s Laces Shepherd’s Worsted (Zombie BBQ) and a tiny piece of Pico Accuardi merino as waste yarn.  The Pico was used above in the lace swatch.

This is excellent therapy.

Monday, June 21, 2010 By Rick Levine

Yesterday | Today | Tomorrow

(Aug 23 – Sep 22)

You may long for a resting place in your ongoing struggle to hold on to recent gains while still embracing the future. Inevitable change seems to be knocking at your front door, but just as you think it’s okay to let it in, something happens that makes you question your assumptions. Don’t be attached to your expectations. Instead, be ready to flow with the shifting tides until they settle back down.

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10 thoughts on “Pondering In My Heart

  1. ana @ iMadeItSo

    i’m sorry to hear about the fibro and negative feelings surfacing. it’s hard to balance, to allow yourself to feel all those emotions for what they are, without letting them take over completely. i agree with you about the excellent therapy (just looking at the photo of knitting made me a bit more relaxed)…

  2. whiteoak

    Just a quick hello and a hug from a fellow fibro person. What works for me is concentrating on what I can do and accomplish not what isn’t possible due to the fog/pain/fatigue.

    If you find your silver lining and concentrate on that then you will feel better – not an easy chore but necessary when you are facing a lifetime of better or worse.

    You will have days/weeks/months when the fibro isn’t the defining part of your life, the trick is to find those times even when the fibro isn’t treating you right.

    Good luck and successful knitting.

  3. Eryka Jackson

    Hi Annie,

    Sorry to hear that you are struggling. I know how hard it can be to pick yourself up when you physically don’t have the energy to do so. But there is hope. You will make it through this.

  4. mary mcmahon

    Annie, an awful lot of people that I know do editing from home. they can do the work on their own schedule and can not take jobs when it doesn’t work for them. I’ll bet you would be really good at that job. Mary in Cincinnati

  5. Debra

    I sure hope you will be eligible for health care sooner reather than later because of the passage of the health care bill.

  6. fiberlicious

    Welcome to the world of people with debilitating illnesses who have to work in order to have food and shelter.

  7. Pat Vigen

    I totally feel for you. I have firbro, arthritis and poor circulation in my legs which leads to a lot of pain. Pain every day pretty much no relief. \
    You are one of the most talented and intelligent knitters out there right now. I am in awe of your knowledge and education. I have watch you on Knitty Gritty before I knew who you were. I remember all your episodes. Maybe it’s time for a TV series? you come across so great on the screen, so easy to understand. I don’t think there are enough shows on right now. I don’t get any here in SoCal. Think about it and hang in there. from a fellow, red headed Virgo. Pat

  8. Bonny McCormick

    Annie, have you checked into disability for your fibro? My cousing has gotten it for years for his inability to work. I think you would be eligible.I’m still looking for a full time job – it’s been 3 years and bankruptcy may be the only option. As you know, I love the fiber arts too but it doesn’t support even 1 person let along 4. I wish you the very best. I’m unemployed so call me I can assist you. Bonny

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