Calling in Exhausted

I’m sorry it’s been a few days since my last post.  I think it will probably be a few more before my next one.

I was hoping I’d be feeling in better form to continue, but I’m just shattered.

I first heard the term “shattered” as a description of total exhaustion while in the UK last year.  Here in the states it has a more emotional connotation, to have one’s spirit drained and wrung out.  For me, right now, both are true.

Birthday Girl

Almost Juggling

Hannah turned 14 on Sunday, and I’d promised her months ago that we’d go to the Renaissance Festival for her birthday.  I purchased the tickets on Friday, and on Saturday off we went to Shakopee for an amazing day!  Yes, it was hokey, but that was a great deal of the charm!

Hannah’s friend & her mother volunteer at the festival at the Herpetological Society (snakes!) so she had a buddy to run around with for most of the day.  Gerry and I traded off roaming with Max, both of us ending incredibly exhausted at the end of the day.

A good day, but a long, long day.

Raj Max

On Hannah’s actual birthday – yesterday – the only thing she really wanted was to go bowling.  So we did.

Off to Midway Lanes (which is a REALLY nice bowling alley!) for 2 short games, then home for a celebration (cake for them, gluten free ice cream for me) & the longest game of UNO in the history of the world.

No wonder I’m tired.

Aftermath Redux

My exhaustion is so overwhelming, and so continuous, that I have practically forgotten how it is to not feel as if I need to return to bed at any moment during the day.  As soon as it’s respectably late – around 8:30 or 9:00 – I’m off to bed.

So I’ll sit tight for a few days and try to get my energy back. 

I’ve noticed that – for me – riding my bike makes me feel more energized, but walking – especially up and down hills – just makes every muscle in my body ache and wears me OUT.  Odd. But that explains the tiredness of these past two walking-filled weekends.

I’m sure it’s the exhaustion speaking, but I’ve never in my life felt more than I should just stop.  Stop blogging, stop teaching, stop designing.

Of course I won’t – I can’t.  I know myself well enough to know that the joy I get from designing, teaching, writing – and the joy I get from writing about them – outweighs the negatives.  My work defines me, I am fortunate to find something that I love that also allows me to earn an income.

It’s just – rough – right now.  But every job has it’s rough times, that’s part of life.

And this is my income – this is the mortgage.  The fact I’m waiting on payment from 3 venues is an annoyance (and an added expense as I have to pay interest on credit cards I use for travel expenses) but that’s a story that a lot of knit teachers are experiencing right now.

The slow payments are more a reflection of the current bad financial situation than a case of venues cavalierly stiffing teachers, but that doesn’t make it easier.

For more information on one of these venues, written with more clarity and calmness than I can muster, here are blog posts by Sarah, Deb & Lucy

More than anything else, though, my soul is exhausted.  I hate feeling that anything I write or say will be dissected in various ways and reconstructed with the darkest or most evil intention.

I hate that often when I open my email I find another note from someone alerting me (they really do think they’re doing me a kindness) to a ravelry post where I’m “exposed” as a horrible, cruel, mean spirited harridan who enjoys making students cry and eats babies for lunch.

Actually, the last part hasn’t been said about me – yet.  Mothers, hide your children.

I have a hard time visiting Ravelry now – which is a shame because it’s such an amazing site, and such a positive and wonderful boon to the fiber world.  BTW, If you’ve messaged me there recently, I’m not really there much so contacting me through is probably a better route.

I ramble.  And, I’m certain that this rather incoherent post will become yet more fodder for the folks who will view anything I do through a rather unforgiving filter. 

I should probably just add a disagree button here and eliminate the middle man.

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28 thoughts on “Calling in Exhausted

  1. Stitchy

    Oh man, Annie. That just sucks. The internet can really tap into the dark side of people. Having the power to actually affect a big voice in the community is probably just too tempting for some people. They stop seeing you as a person and you become a character on the Intertubes Show.

    Haters gonna hate. The best revenge is a life well lived, and it looks like you’re doing it up. Elephants!

    Plus, everyone knows babies are for dinner. 😉

  2. Anita

    Annie, for the heck of it I just did a search of the forums on “Annie Modesitt”, asking for every post in every forum. You should do the same. You will find page after page of positive comments on your work, and barely any negatives. I don’t know where the negative posts are being made, but they are a DROP in the Ravelry sea of information, and are only being paid attention to by a very small percentage of Ravelry’s users.

    1. Annie Post author

      Thank you – that’s so kind. Of course the bad ones rub like a burr, and I should be more grateful for the good ones. It’s just the tiredness, I think, that heightens the sensitivity.

  3. Duncks

    About the bike thing… my partner has a horrible time walking (one side of her body is about 2 cm or so shorter than the other) but she can bike forever. It is a whole different motion and less strain on the joints. Plus there is coasting, which is my favourite.

  4. e

    i like ravelry very much for research and projects, etc., but i visit almost no there forums anymore– they’re just too bitchy and i don’t need it. it’s not just ravelry, the same thing happens on the kindle and nook pages on facebook and, i’m sure, everywhere else as well. but, i ask you, who needs it? social media is not necessarily civil media.

  5. Barbara

    Hugs, Annie. That’s all. I am so disappointed that Knit Camp was such a bust for the tutors/teachers/presenters because I really, really would have traveled to UK Knit Camp II, but I mainly hope that the bad experience doesn’t deter you and the other fabulous teachers from signing up for future (better organized) events.

  6. Heather

    I so totally feel you about the Ravelry Haters. They are few, but they are relentless. It makes me wish Rav didn’t have forums, despite having learned lots of things and met cool people because of them. It sucks to feel attacked in a place that should be safe.

    Hugs to you.

  7. Deborah Robson

    Not that you need suggestions, but maybe a little permission would help? You’ve been taking care of everyone else very nicely. Now for you:

    1. Biking.

    2. Naps.

    3. Audio book and resting (as Amy mentioned in a comment on the previous post).

    4. Ideal-for-you food.

    You need to recharge. BIG time. Hugs.

  8. Barbara

    I have similar problem with walking but cycling does not bother me. My chiropractor tells me this is because I have bad arthritis in my hips which is then felt in lower back and sciatic nerves. Keep up the cycling. And hang in there. Love you!

    1. Diane

      Thank you both for this bit of hopeful information. I have been waiting until walking gets easier to cycle. (Arthritis, knees — and gluten intolerance.) I’m going to try a bike.

  9. Panhandle Jane

    I’m so sorry about your Ravelry experience. I’ve largely been able to just breeze past the snarkiness by simply deleting any group in which the moderator is snarky or allows someone else to be. One of those was a very worthwhile charity group, but I can still participate in the charity on my own. However, I am not putting myself out there for business. Just keep in mind that some people are just that way and there’s nothing you can do about it or them except avoid the particular forums or groups in which they participate. That is sad. But just think, are these people you would avoid if you were meeting them personally? Of course you would.

    I can say all this to you, but you should know that in this small town there are still parents of exstudents or the exstudents themselves that I avoid, even if it means inconveniencing myself. I can understand someone not liking me as a teacher, but to act the way they did and then fall all over themselves being nice in a business situation is more than I can take. Perhaps that will fade with time.

  10. dawn

    I think you need to seriously consider getting on Lyrica or something like it. Trazadone is dirt cheap but not very effective. There are are better Fibromyalgia medicines out there. Your health has gone down hill SINCE you have been diagnosed. I know you do not have health insurance but Lyica is $89 a month. Don’t be penny wise but pound foolish. This false economy is going to render you unable to work( or to live, really).

  11. mm

    Annie, I am so sorry that the darker side of the KC debacle is more than just the fact that Tutors/Presenters/Vendors/Employees/Volunteers/Students have been injured financially, emotionally, & some reputationally. The entire knitting community at-large, has taken a huge hit.

    Unfortunately, it has stirred up an angry mob (righteously bothered by the harm that has been done, I think) but sadly self-consumed, in continued attacks upon not just tutors, but also some vendors & other students, who have chosen to steadfastly focus on the positives (even when they have acknowledged the negatives.)

    While you may worry how you are perceived within the knitting community (and I still believe that most who know & love you and your work, still do/will) I worry how the knitting community as a whole, is perceived by our current/future membership.

    Will they want to be associated with knitting/with Ravelry/with a particular group on Ravelry? How will those who underwrite/financially “back” these events feel about future support to such events, when they can see us turning on each other.

    I think there will be more stonings; I regret that you & others have been put in the crosshairs, for lack of more legitimate target.

  12. Cathy E

    I am so sorry it is taking you longer to recover. Please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you to strengthen you physically and emotionally. (Isn’t it amazing how they are so tied together??)

  13. Kris

    Too much negativity isn’t good for anyone. Tell the naysayers to “forget about it” said with a Brooklyn accent. I know fibro can be such pain, comes when you really don’t want it.and seems to never leave.

    Winter is my worse time of year, and I live just south of you in Wisconsin. Lets hope this winter isn’t too bad and that we can actually enjoy it, (one of my biggest fears is falling outside) Lets think positive, damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead

  14. Roz Thompson

    Annie, I have to think that maybe a part of your tiredness may be due to “jet lag”. I get horrible horrible jet lag that lasts for a couple of weeks–it’s to the point where I just have to go to bed and ride it out but it also puts me in the depths of despair.

    If I ignore it and try to “carry on”, IT carries on so much longer.

    It sounds like you have had no time to rest since you got back from Italy. Jet lag does a number on a person’s body!! I’ve taken a class from you and thought it was a marvelous experience, and am so eager to take another one if you ever get back this way (towards Oklahoma).


  15. eve

    I just read the suggestion that you get Lyrica and it implies that you’re not on it because of $$. If that’s so, you should visit which organizes the applications for most pharmaceutical companies compassionate use programs – they have one for Lyrica. Of course, any treatment decisions should be between you and you doc, but if that helps…

    Sorry about how hard life is right now, I hope you can feel the love of your family and the other positives of your life.

  16. dee

    I wasn’t at Knit Camp but as a long term fan of your designs and blog, I’ve been watching the whole farrago unfold with horror. What’s happening on Rav and certain blogs is bullying, pure and simple. People can dress it up as ‘feedback’ all they want, they’re deluding themselves. We all know when we’re being cruel and childish. I hope you can see that it’s a tiny minority of self-righteous, paranoid, inadequate losers (many of whom are posting multiple anonymous comments to make it look as though they have supporters – a fact that is obvious to the most casual observer).

    These bullies don’t speak for everyone in the knitting community or on Ravelry, not by a long way. You seem like a great person with far, far more important things to think about. I hope you’re taking care of yourself. I’m sure you don’t want to think about this any more so I’m sorry for raising it, but bullying makes me SO angry.

  17. Morwynne

    Some people just can’t help but jump in on a dogpile. Once this drama is over and the vultures have found something more tasty, the same people dissing you now will be buying your patterns and acting like nothing happened.

  18. Linda Cannon

    I feel for you, you really do sound shattered, what a great word. It is really very descriptive. Try and nurture yourself for a while until you get through the difficult part. It sounds like you have overdone, although some of it was really a good thing.

    I am sorry about the nasty people, that is soooo difficult. I know that he Yarn Harlot went through that for a while. Some peoples lives are so unhappy, they want everyone to be as unhappy as they are so they find snarky ways of doing it. But still it is not fun being the recipient. Keep a stiff upper lip and all that and the more you keep smiling the more internally you will smile through the nastiness.

  19. jules

    it took me a while to find some of the threads of which you spoke of (sorry for post stalking ya!) and i was completely shocked by the mob mentality. please be assured that not all ravelers are like that. i can only imagine how they must talk to their grandmothers like that…

    you were at KDO a few weeks ago. i really wanted to take your shrug class but got another one instead. unfortunately the teacher who was supposed to teach my class had an emergency and another assistant taught. the whole time i thought, “i really wish i was in annie’s class…” i’m pretty sure you wouldn’t have told me that i was “knitting wrong” or that my cast on was backwards… 🙂

    you rock. remember that. be gentle with yourself, and take time to recoup.

  20. Beth

    Meeting you and Nora at Loche Katrine was one of the highlights of my trip to Stirling. It was an organiztional mess from a student’s point of view as well but I had a great time despite their best efforts to mess me up. All the teachers I met were so wonderful. The workshops and classes were great.

    The other students from all over the world, I will remember this camp fondly for a long time. I am so sorry for the emotional and financial hardships this organizational mess has created for you. The world has too many nitpicky people who enjoy criticizing others. It has a few too many incompetents who create messes that negatively effect many good people who do not deserve it.

    And it is even more frustrating when these people seem to show no remorse for what they have done. Don’t let the idiots and turkeys get you down. Beth

  21. Coleen Malc

    Hi…I too have been dealing with fibro for about the same time. Finally found a great dr…he gave me Tramadol, which comes generic, so it’s not crazy expensive. He slso prescribed Cymbalta,,,he finds this works st 60 mg for fibro. The pharma has drug assistance..I finally felt I had a dr who listened. It’s been a long haul…I read your blog,,,and our experiences are mirror image. Not fun. Not sure if u remember me.,,I used to come to your house in jersey for lessons…you are the reason I love knitting,.,so I get angry with the Ravelry stuff,
    I will kern reading…and hoping for the best for us both. Thanks!
    Coleen from new jersey

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