Did you miss me?

I’m sorry I’ve been so quiet.  When weeks pass and I don’t post on my blog, I sometimes think, “Why do I even HAVE a blog…”

Then someone writes me, tells me how much they gained from reading back posts, and I realize that I won’t always be in this slow, slow period in my life.

I’ll speed up and post more regularly when I’m mentally and physically more in tune with everything.

Right now I’m just feeling a bit blah (perhaps Rick Santorum was speaking about me?) and at the same time a bit harried and confused.  An odd and unsettling mix.

I’ve been feeling exceptionally depressed some recent days, and I can’t help but feel it’s strongly tied to the fibro.  A rheumatologist I saw in Nov said that I was doing much better than many of her other patients, and I’ve been getting good light and taking my Vit D3 (although on her suggestion I cut back – maybe I need to increase it again?) 

It’s a silly kind of depressive feeling where I know I need help with some things, but I’m feeling just foolish and worthless enough to NOT ask for help.

Yes, I know how dopey that sounds, and unhelpful, please don’t scold me in the comments – you won’t tell me anything I don’t already know.

I think I also took a backspin on our weekend up to Camp Menogyn.  It was lovely, but physically it was so far beyond what I was capable of (the long walk across the lake in the dark upon our arrival winded me and cramped up my muscles in an odd way) 

I can do a long walk slowly, but dragging a sled of luggage and having no idea exactly how FAR we were walking was disorienting and unsettling.

Once at the lodge the folks were nice, but I had the feeling I’d wandered into someone else’s family reunion – and I wasn’t exactly part of the family.

A few other folks felt the same way (more knitters than I’d expected) so we made a small band of crafters in a very loud environment – what I wouldn’t have given for a smaller, quiet room with some decent light!

The cook was absolutely wonderful at creating something gluten free for me at each meal, so kind of her!

But I felt as if I were – useless?  Not able to keep up?  An outsider?  Most of those feeling sprang from within me, I know.  A lot of it was probably ‘first timer syndrome’, too!

So while I muse about a good blog post to put up in the next few days, here’s a short video about one of my favorite places in the Twin Cities – the Midtown Greenway Bike Trail.

As the temps will be hitting the high 40’s today (this is Minnesota, right?) I’m going out for a long ride today to try to clear my mind, relax my body and lose the cobwebs that have been clouding every part of my existence. 

Minneapolis’ Midtown Greenway
by Streetfilms

Biking is SO much easier for me than walking.  I’d rather bike 10 miles than walk a block, the pain when I bike is negligible, but when I walk I feel sore all over.  And this, of course, makes me feel guilty in some niggling way.

8 thoughts on “Did you miss me?

  1. Ride the tide hun. It will get better, or maybe I should say that you will get better at living with it and just when you think you got it all figured out, it will present you with a new challenge. Just know that you are capable of getting through it and that you are worth the effort!

  2. I hope you are feeling better soon. Glad that you posted…
    Remember to keep breathing. Some of my friends suggest “Knit 1, Breathe 1, repeat!” whenever possible. 🙂

  3. How brave you are to disclose your hurts, both physical and emotional. The days are getting longer and warm days can’t be far behind. Maybe another sojourn to Italy is in order.


  4. Hang in there, Annie. I have FM, too. I’ve been on a new regimen of medication and supplements and in general am doing much, much better, but still when I over-do or get over-stressed, it impacts me in unsettling and unpredictable ways, both physically and emotionally. The feelings of worthlessness must be an FM hallmark. It hits me that way as well. Just keep telling yourself that’s the FM talking and there’s no truth in it. You are a vital and valuable human being! Hang in there. I’m thinking good thoughts for you.

  5. From one FMer to another, winter is always a difficult time and tends to bring on thoughts of guilt and worthlessness, even in such a weird winter as this. Hang in there and remember it’s not you, it’s the disease, which causes all sorts of dis-ease physically, mentally, and emotionally. I hope the bike ride can blow the cobwebs out:-) And we care about you!

  6. That Greenway Bike trail looks amazing! I’m glad you get so much pleasure from biking and have such nice places to bike. Please keep writing your blog, if you’re able. I really enjoy it.

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