Far Away Worry

Bike Ride From Home to Hospital

I’m 6 miles from Gerry right now, and I feel 1,000 miles away.  If I could cycle, I’d be home in 31 minutes via the Bruce Vento trail.

Oh, that I could ride my bike again, today.

He visited two days ago, but when he got to my room he was overwhelmed with exhaustion from the walk from the car.

I’m so concerned about his heart condition, he just seems to be dragging, low on energy and hope, and also missing me being at home.  He’s not well, Jasper’s not well (missing me, or something more?) and Andy is left home alone as the care-giver in charge.

…and here I sit, bald and pumped up on chemo drugs, not able to keep down food (except for ice pops and the errant ice cream, which generally ends up being a mistake) and not able to BE THERE for Gerry.  Who needs me mentally almost more than he needs me physically.

My Current View

Why is it so hard for some folks – for men? – to admit that they need help?  Our yard needs mowing, I know that Gerry gets wiped out SO easily.  Last week I utilized Next Door to find someone to mow it, but as soon as I did Gerry insisted that no, HE could CERTAINLY mow the yard.  And so he started mowing.

And he got totally wiped. WIPED.

So Andy picked up the slack.  And I jumped in and did the front yard (which, in retrospect, may NOT have been the best idea I ever had…) and together we got the yard done.

Just like a frontier family.  With a heart condition and two forms of cancer.

The View I Want To See

I hate to think what he’s attempting to do when I’m NOT at home.  Re-shingle the roof?  Find a barn to raise?

I get sprung from here on Sunday. Today is my last chemo of this session, then depending on my labs I’ll be home for two or perhaps three weeks, getting my lab numbers back up (platelets, etc.) and perhaps a transfusion.

I am SO looking forward to being home, which I miss so much.

Which is probably just another way of saying how much I miss Gerry.

Gerry, for pity’s sake, PLEASE take care of yourself when I’m away!

Home Sweet Downsize! Just LOOK at that lawn!

6 thoughts on “Far Away Worry

  1. Annie, My heart is with you. You are doing the toughest work of your life. To hell with the lawn and what the neighbors may think. The grass will be there when you get home, let someone mow it while Gerry is resting. Andy is a joy, you and Gerry done good with those children. Love you and the whole family.

    • It’s not the neighbors who worry me, it’s GERRY. I can’t tell him “To hell with the lawn…” because he CARES so deeply. But pride keeps him from using someone else to mow it. Pride, pride, pride.

      Damn Pride!

      • Could you have a talk with him, when you get home, about the best way for him to help YOU is to do those things he is supposed to do and to not do those he isn’t supposed to do? Probably you have already tried this, and he won’t hear it, but try, try again. As you say, men and their pride! Yes, damn pride! But we love them anyway…

  2. Dear Anne.

    I’m speechless. We only know each other through FB, but, boy, I sure hate what you are going through. I mean, WTF? So much, so much. So unfair.

    Keep being brave and strong and completely wonderful. I could never be the person you are in this time. ❤️❤️

  3. Hiya Annie! We are both very sorry you’re going through this!
    One thought on the ice cream: see if it’s the leading/store brands (milk, corn syrup, carrageenan, & crap) Or the premium types (cream, milk, sugar, vanilla) that’s not working out. For M, only the $$$ stuff, FroYo, or stuff from Trader Joe’s stayed down. (The carrageenan & I had a falling out from throwing up.) Maybe that will help!
    Keep this blog going!!! It’s the perfect 3rd party/ non-family member sounding board for venting, crying, yelling, etc, & then you’re not putting that on your husband or the kids.
    Meanwhile, take the anti nausea meds Prior to the chemo, & try to look forward.

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