It’s been a very emotional week for me, not least because my doc has had me cut back on my Oxycontin to half of my previous dose, although I also have 5mg Oxycondone I can take for breakthrough pain. I’ve done this step-down twice already since ending chemo, and I agree that it’s necessary to reevaluate every now and then to make certain I’m taking the minimum I need.
But I think right now I’m below the minimum amount.
I’m exhausted from not sleeping, sleeping’s been difficult because there’s so much pain. The 5mg doesn’t seem to address the pain as well as the 20mg does (duh) and the extra relief I get from medical marijuana just isn’t cutting it. It’s been a hard week, and emotionally, I’m feeling very drained and not terribly resilient.
Since visiting my friends last weekend I’ve been missing Gerry like crazy. I’m sure it was going to place where we’d gone many times, and hearing him talked about with so much love by Myrna and Bob. Bob said Gerry had one of the best political minds, and humor minds, he met. That is such a lovely compliment, because I know how much Gerry would have enjoyed it. He was the funniest man I ever knew. And he loved politics.
It’s almost as if my mind put off mourning Gerry full out until I got far enough past my “clean” CT Scan so that I had enough ‘worry space’ in my brain to handle it. There’s only so much one can worry about at one time, right?
After Gerry died in October I was in shock for quite a long time. Then just when I was beginning to wrap my mind around the fact he wouldn’t be coming home, I was hit with severe sepsis and was put in the ICU until they figured out it was my port that had become infected. I know I was closer to death during that week than I’d ever been, and to be honest there were times that week when I wanted to say, “Screw it.”
But I couldn’t, because I have two kids, and because I just couldn’t. For better or for worse my body fought hard, even if my mind and heart weren’t in the battle.
Today Max was walking around “wearing” Kitty Nitro around his neck, looking for all the world like a taller, thinner, MORE bearded version of his dad.