Pushing Myself To Exhaustion

I’m sorry I haven’t written for a while, my focus has been split, and I’ve been battling exhaustion.  As I slowly get better, recovery, I also regularly outpace myself.  I do more than I really should because I’m discovering every day what my new limits are.  This feels like two steps forward, one step back, which is not uncommon in a recovery.

I still have days of nausea, when I awake to the smell of chemicals on my skin and an overall sense of nausea.  Those tend to be hard days when just walking down stairs is enough to wear me out.  I make it to my chair and collapse, sweating and wiped out, fit only to read Facebook and play endless hands of solitaire to keep my mind from dwelling on my back, hip and knee pain.

Then there are other days when I wake up energized and ready to shower, days when I can get to the store and go grocery shopping (using one of their electronic carts!) and do other errands.  These are the days when I tend to over exert myself, and that inevitably leads to days that I’ve described above.

In addition to the continuing exhaustion, Oct 21 was the one year anniversary of Gerry’s passing.  We didn’t have a great deal of time to dwell on it, we were all traveling back from New Jersey after attending a family wedding, but it was heavy on all of our hearts.

Currently I’m shopping for a new home; a place where I can do all my living on one level, which also has room for both kids.  I love our current home, but crawling up the stairs every time I need to use the toilet is rough, and when my knees are hurting, I travel up to the second floor so slowly that, well, let’s just say it’s a good thing I bought poise pads in bulk.

We thought we’d found our home, but upon inspection it became clear that there were issues that needed to be addressed, expensive issues, and the seller wasn’t inclined to reduce the price.  So, regretfully, we walked away and we’re not looking at a few other homes.  If all goes well we hope to close in December and slowly move into the new home in Dec/Jan.  We’ll take our time getting our current home ready to go on the market, and by Spring we’ll be open for business.

This means carrying two houses for a time, but I feel it’s worth it for two reasons: I’m easily exhausted and I need the time for a slow move, and our agent feels the house will sell better, and at a higher price, in the Spring.  Both these reason mean that for a time I’ll be paying taxes and insurance on two houses, but – as I said – it’s an investment I’m willing to make.

I think for a time I thought I could just remain in this house until both kids were settled in their futures, and I was ready to move into senior apartment housing.  But a recent issue with my knee (both knees have advanced arthritis, one of the ‘seized up’ on a cold morning in the bathroom) convinced me that I need to make this move while I’m able to be in control of the decisions and can do it on my own schedule.

In the mean time, we’re planning a nice family Thanksgiving with Andy’s boyfriend’s parents, and I think it will be amazing!  We’re having our weekend at a rented cabin in Wisconsin, dividing up the dinner between folks.  I’ve put Evan in charge of cranberry sauce (which is pretty hard to screw up!) and I’m making the turkey and two pies.  Andy’s making stuffing, gravy will be made from the turkey drippings, and all of the other side dishes are courtesy of Evan’s mom.  It should be an amazing weekend!!

The Sunday after Thanksgiving we’re having a small get-together for the employees of ModeKnit Yarn here at my house, which should be lovely!  I was telling Kathleen the other day that, outside of the kids and her, I rarely see other folks these days.  This will be a wonderful chance to catch up with the hardworking people who have kept ModeKnit Yarn going this past 18 months while I’ve been so sick and dealing with other painful life stuff.

Last Thanksgiving I was entirely out of commission; at the height of my chemo, and brewing the infection that would turn into severe sepsis a few weeks later.  This year I feel much more like myself, not least because I’ve had my hair cut and colored and I feel more like ME, so it will be a wonderful thing to share this holiday with friends.

I’m also thrilled to be able to do the work (pies, stuffing) a few days in advance and prep the Turkey before we drive to the cabin and put it in the oven there.  I can do a bit, rest a bit, then return a do a bit more.  That’s been my strategy that’s allowed me to hit several milestones so far, so I’m looking forward to implementing it for the holiday.

As seldom as I seem to be blogging these days, you may not hear from me again until after Thanksgiving, so I hope you all have an exceptional holiday with loving friends and/or family and snugly animals to pet and love!  And thank you all for sticking with me during this really rough year.  It’s been hard, and I’ve had a good amount of loss, but I have SO MUCH to be thankful for – and I am!

9 thoughts on “Pushing Myself To Exhaustion

  1. It’s always good to see you blog but I’m still glad I’m a Facebook Friend.

    Seeing the old photo of Gerry and the littles made me smile – you two made lovely kids together.

  2. It’s so good to see you back at the blog, if only briefly. I wish you a warm, well-fed, and full-of-love-and-laughter Thanksgiving. Much love to you all, Annie.

  3. Thank you so much for this uplifting update Annie! I’m very heartened to read of your progress. You are in my heart and mind for continued and accelerated progress and as smooth and swift a recovery as possible. May things go well with finding the new home and selling the old one and getting settled into a place that’s a great fit for you. Enjoy the Thanksgiving festivities, sounds like such a good plan for pacing yourself and having everyone pitch in. Peace, love, healing! Morris

  4. This is the first time I’ve read your blog. Thank you for sharing with us. Thank you for accepting my recent FB friend request! We share many of the same friends and acquaintances from the knitting world near and far. For some reason I want to be friends with everyone in our knitting community. At some point, with so many events and festivals over a year’s time we tend to run into each other. Like I did at Rhinebeck 2019!!! Sounds like a wonderful Thanksgiving you’ve got planned.

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